Hard Luck Woman
by Reno Spiegel
Summary: The Beboppers' thoughts at the end of Session 24.
1. Faye: Lines in The Dirt

Description: Part One of Four. Takes place during the ending of 'Hard Luck Woman.' Lyrics for each character are given. Probably the first story I've posted all at once.  
  
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.  
  
"Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway... Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way... Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing... It brings me down, but I won't let them... If I seem bleak... Well you'd be correct... And if I don't speak... It's cause I can't disconnect... But I won't be burned by the reflection... Of the fire in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun... When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway... When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away... There's more to living than only surviving... Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying... Though you hear me... I don't think that you relate... My will is something... That you can't confiscate... So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated... By destruction in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun..." ( Offspring: "Staring At The Sun" )  
  
Hard Luck Woman - Faye: Lines in The Dirt  
  
  
  
Was this...home?  
  
Or was I calling it home for the sake of having one?  
  
There wasn't really anything left there; just lines in dirt I made into a room and called my own, my laying on my back in the same dirt, staring at the glaring ball of hatred in the sky, and a vast wasteland that used to mean something to me. But now, I was here because...because of a mistake in judgement I made. I believed I would find happiness in the ruins I now lie in, waiting for the vultures to pick my eyes out and use my hair for a nest.  
  
They're gone by now; all of the Bebop crew. I didn't expect them to come find me, anyway. Ed would never break and tell them where I was. I knew her. Like my little sister.  
  
...My little sister...  
  
And Spike and Jet, my older brothers always willing to smack me into line and teach me the basic rules of bounty hunting when I screwed up, and kept coming back, even when I spat in their faces and told them I hated them; when I pushed them harder than they pushed me and told them I didn't need them.  
  
But I did.  
  
I needed the crew like I need air; they made my life worth something. A shred of something, millions of acres of something, I didn't know, but they changed my entire view of existence. Back in the casinos, I was a roaming gypsie. They came, picked me up, and I tagged along. I wanted their money to pay off my debt.  
  
I stayed.  
  
And I know why I stayed.  
  
The gluttonous lunkhead he was, Spike had grown on me like a scab; no getting rid of it, so you have to live with it. And then, when the ugly thing goes away, the area where the scab had been doesn't look too bad; almost nice as it is. So you leave it, look at it once in awhile, and it eventually feels normal. Then it leaves and you feel a pang of sadness. You want that scab back, right? So you try and get it again, only to see it never turns out the same.  
  
He was my ugly scab turned badge of pride. And Jet. And Ed... Well, Ed was just always there. The comic relief on Bebop.  
  
Spike... Why did I let you grow on me? Why did I let you grow on me and then let you fall away into the forgotten abyss with so many others from my past? Why did I have to go and get feelings for you worked up?  
  
Spike... Why didn't I say anything when I had the chance?  
  
Was I afraid of rejection? Acception? Both?  
  
I blamed this all on the sun and tossed a rock that was on my 'pillow' out of my 'house,' then went back to staring at the big, flaming ball in the sky. I figured out awhile back that you would start to see things if you stared at it long enough. It shed away the glare, but the center of the sun is quite unpleasant.  
  
Was I...hallucinating again?  
  
Or had I finally seen the truth behind the veil of lies spread across my face all these years to keep my eyes away from the world, which would burn scarring pictures into the walls of my mind and send my brain into the dumps like the rest of them?  
  
But I was not another nameless drone in a shell of a human, sent here to have a few good kicks in the teeth and then be put in the ground to rot with the worms and wood around me. I was Faye Valentine, the girl who never gave up. The girl who sent a message to herself ten years into the future, and got it sixty years later, but still as she would've been ten years from then. The girl who made friends through the bars of a makeshift prison like the fires of Hell.  
  
But Spike...you never came closer than the bars and flames. You were never more than a friend of mine, and I'm quite irritated because of it.  
  
I shook my head and closed my eyes. Damn sun. Always screwed with my mind. A bird screeched at me while it flew above, blocking the sun for a moment before moving on to terrorize something else. There went the eye-pecking vulture. Maybe I was supposed to decay first, then wait for it. Whatever. I rolled onto my side. I always slept on my side, and I considered myself halfway between outside and inside, hanging on an imaginary bed, so sleep was the first instinct I considered.  
  
Crying over my life and wanting to scream at my green-haired tormentor came in a dead-tie for the second.  
  
I flipped onto my stomach for the first. I didn't know why. Not like anyone was around to make fun of me, but I clenched my eyes tightly shut and slammed a fist against the cracked terrain.  
  
Damn you, Spike Spiegel! Damn you and your fucking charm! Damn you for making me stay at the Bebop on a rope of false hope you cut months later! And damn you for...for... Damn me for believing I had a chance...  
  
Damn me for believing what goes down muct come up; for believing after fifty years of cryogenic freezing the world owed me something good. But when I woke up, the world was different. Cruel. Menacing and taunting. Evil as it could get. A new orb of hatred burning down on everyone's backs everyday, and they went on, ignoring it and pretending this was the good life.  
  
But most of all... Spike...  
  
Damn me for wishing. Damn me for wishing you were the one I'd described as the special person next to me in the tape. Damn me for wishing you were mine forever, wishing you would always be there to fall back on; the one to warm the other side of the bed.  
  
Just...  
  
Dammit...  
  
Damn it all...  
  
Ed and I talked about this, Spike. Never knew that, did you? Ed, the immature member of our crew, actually gave me advice, and I'll even quote her to humor you:  
  
"Edward thinks Faye-Faye should wait. If Spike-person and Faye-Faye have chance, Edward thinks Spike-person will come to Faye-Faye, not the other way. If it was never meant to be, Edward thinks Faye-Faye should move on. Lunkhead-Lunkhead and Faye-Faye would look cute, though."  
  
She slid to her feet and ran off to the main room, leaving me with half-blue-painted toenails. You never did come to me, Spike. So I moved on, just like she said. I'll bet you the RedTail she'll never say a damn word to you about that, huh? I trusted her.  
  
But never Jet. Jet never knew. He would've run to you right away. As much as I loved him as a friend, I knew not to tell him my deeper secrets.  
  
Laying there with my face against the sand, tears sliding down my cheeks to darken the dirt, I wondered why I was alone. Then I remembered: Because, Spike Spiegel...you never walked into the flames of Hell to rescue me...and you'd never set foot in this void to get me back...  
  
Damn it all. 


	2. Spike: Red Letters

Description: Part Two of Four. Takes place during the ending of 'Hard Luck Woman.' Lyrics for each character are given. Probably the first story I've posted all at once.  
  
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.  
  
"My mouth was a crib and it was growing lies... I didn't know what love was on that day... My heart's a tiny bloodclot... I picked at it... It never heals it never goes away... I burned all the good things in The Eden Eye... We were too dumb to run too dead to die... This was never my world... You took the angel away... I'd kill myself to make everybody pay... This was never my world... You took the angel away... I'd kill myself to make everybody pay... I would have told her then... She was the only thing... That I could love in this dying world... But the simple word "love" itself... Already died and went away... This was never my world... You took the angel away... I'd kill myself to make everybody pay... This was never my world... You took the angel away... I'd kill myself to make everybody pay... I burned all the good things in The Eden Eye... We were too dumb to run too dead to die... Her heart's bloodstained egg... We didn't handle with care... It's broken and bleeding... And we can never repair..." ( Marilyn Manson: "Coma Black" )  
  
Hard Luck Woman - Spike: Red Letters  
  
  
  
I was a perfectly normal person. Content with life as I could be. So, why was I sitting there, eating dozens of eggs with Jet?  
  
"Bye Bye"  
  
Because, when I'd gone out for a smoke, my pack had dropped from my hand and skidded across the deck, skipping over those six letters. Ed was gone, that was obvious. But Faye...was she gone? Or just leaving for awhile to come back later?  
  
Whichever one, it had Jet and I depressed out of our minds. We were chiselled down to eating eggs out of depression. I think. It was either that or a contest, though either would work for this.  
  
Hell, I bet Jet even misses Ein.  
  
I'd gone to put Ed's pinwheel as a kind of 'hood' ornament right after she'd given it to me, just to see what the others would think. Now it sits up there like a kind of signification of her depature. She was a big part of this ship, and we all knew it. Without her, we would never have figured out what Mad Pierrot was. Where Gren and Vicious were headed. What Vincent had planned.  
  
Jet looked at me about this time. "What is it, Spike?"  
  
"You know." We all did, like I said. And he knew it the most; he was a father to Ed before...well, Ed, stepped in. He kept Faye in line so we didn't kill each other when a fight came up. He fed the damn dog, for God's sake.  
  
His shoulders slumped and he put his egg down. "Yeah, I know, but we can't keep beatin' ourselves up about it." He groped for my cigarette pack and grabbed one for himself. Stress was eased by those things, as much as everyone hated to admit it. My guess, he'd run out over dinner. "Ed deserves to be with her father. Faye was just tagging along for the ride. And Ein... Well, Ein don't matter right now."  
  
I laid down, stretching my long legs and shoving a magazine over my eyes. "Yeah, whatever, Jet. Tell yourself what you need to to make yourself feel good." But I can't feel good, Jet. Ed's gone and she took the dog. And Faye left me.  
  
Or was she ever really with me? She was with us, I know, but she was never with me. Me alone. No Jet. No Ed. No Ein. No bounties. Me. And Faye.  
  
Never happened, never will. Because she knew as well as I did, I was still looking for Julia and hunting down Vicious.  
  
Vicious...  
  
I remember the words I'd said about her before going to chase him down...  
  
"I'm going to find my woman. You go look for that other woman." *  
  
I heard Jet get up, stack a few bowls of eggs in his arms, and walk to the kitchen. Leaving me? Nope.  
  
"Bye Bye"  
  
But everyone else was, eh? I decided sleep was near-impossible right then and headed for the deck, making sure to take the cigarettes with me, only to run into Ed's big, red message again. I'd clean it up later. Now, though, I'd leave it there and look at it in my brooding.  
  
Let's run through this... Ed's gone, Jet's depressed, Ein followed Ed, and Faye...  
  
Faye...where are you? Still out there? Looking for us, I hope?  
  
Why do I hope, you ask?  
  
Because I want you back here on the Bebop, with Jet and I. For company. For help. For the fights, who cares? So long as you're here when I am.  
  
Because...  
  
Because...I care more than I'd ever let you know to your face.  
  
The cigarette flew over the balcony and I stepped back inside, hoping to find her sitting on her bed, waiting for someone to find her. Really, I didn't expect her to be there, I decided as I passed the empty room and went to my own, slamming the door behind me and heaving myself down on the bed for the bit of sleep I might've been able to grasp that night.  
  
Come on, Faye...  
  
Find us...  
  
Find me...  
  
( * Quote coming from the Japanese, English subtitled version of "Session 12: Jupiter Jazz, Part One" ) 


	3. Jet: Aim For The Stars

Description: Part Three of Four. Takes place during the ending of 'Hard Luck Woman.' Lyrics for each character are given. Probably the first story I've posted all at once.  
  
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.  
  
"Old man lying... By the side of the road... With the lorries rolling by... Blue moon sinking... From the weight of the load... And the building scrape the sky... Cold wind ripping... Down the alley at dawn... And the morning paper flies... Dead man lying... By the side of the road... With the daylight in his eyes... Don't let it bring you down... It's only castles burning... Find someone who's turning... And you will come around... Blind man running... Through the light... Of the night... With an answer in his hand... Come on down... To the river of sight... And you can really understand... Red lights flashing... Through the window... In the rain... Can you hear the sirens moan?... White cane lying... In a gutter in the lane... If you're walking home alone... Don't let it bring you down... It's only castles burning... Just find someone who's turning... And you will come around... Don't let it bring you down... It's only castles burning... Just find someone who's turning... And you will come around..." ( Neil Young: "Don't Let It Bring You Down" )  
  
Hard Luck Woman - Jet: Aim For The Stars  
  
  
  
Spike...crushed.  
  
Ed...gone.  
  
Ein....loyal to Ed.  
  
Faye...gone, probably crushed, and possibly dead.  
  
Me...confused as hell as to what to do right now.  
  
Spike Spiegel had always been the warrior here on Bebop, that was no secret to anyone who'd ever seen us walking around. Spike was the lazy bum around the ship, but always there for anything from a good laugh to a deep talk. Helped us through many things, regardless whether or not he should be involved, and never backing down from a challenge.  
  
But, at the time, Spike was locked in his room, asleep, and as depressed as anyone else. For the day, the Bebop crew was falling apart. Faye, Ed, and Ein were gone, there were no bounties, and Spike and I were at a stand-still in our talks since I gave him my little speech over the bowls of eggs, which are finally calming down in my stomach.  
  
Spike Spiegel, warrior in the stoic's suit, was just dealt a deathblow.  
  
I'll admit, he was a lot stronger than I was most of the time, but now it was a bit of role reversal. I'd bet anything, if I walked into his room, I would find him laying across it the wrong way, eyes wide open staring at the wall with his mouth hanging to the side, and his hand flexing from time to time. I'd been the same way after I'd lost my arm. Never the same again.  
  
But...Spike...man, you've gotta snap out of it. Because if you crumble, I crumble, and the Bebop goes to waste. We'll never eat, never get another bounty, never go and get Faye back.  
  
And I know you want that. She got on my nerves, I'll admit, but if it brings you out of this slump, I say we go out and look for her.  
  
Come on, Spike. She's one woman. You've been chasing down Julia for years with no luck, and you're fine. Jesus. What's so special about Faye Valentine, anyway?  
  
I closed the cabinet with the eggs in it and went to sit down on the couch, turning on Big Shot to keep myself busy.  
  
A few bounties were up for grabs, but they looked like pocket change to me. Nothing seemed big enough anymore. Spike and Faye always knew where to find the big ones. They were the hunting team. Ed was our tracker-hacker around here, and I was there to keep it all under control. Now, all of that had fallen apart at the seams. The majority of our team was gone.  
  
And what was left was two washed-up guys with no lives left.  
  
I reached for Spike's cigarettes. They weren't there. Shit. And when I really needed one. I shook my head and stood back up, walking to the room where I kept my children; the bonsai trees. They always calmed me down. I smiled and knelt before them, flicking a few leaves aside and grabbing the watering can.  
  
Why the hell I love these things so much, I don't know. They're little pieces of wood with green things on the end of sticks. I could make a non-living bonsai tree and get the same thrill out of it. I ran some water into the can, letting a bit spill onto my fake hand for a moment before pushing the can back under.  
  
I can't even feel it anymore.  
  
Damn failed technology.  
  
Faye...come back...give my warrior some hope and get him back on his feet...  
  
Spike...get your ass off the bed and get us some food or something...  
  
Ed...come back, Ed...it's too quiet around here...and I'd be a much better father...  
  
I went back to the trees. I remember many times Faye and I had talked while I took care of these things. Lobbing mindless comments between each other, slowly learning more about each other each day. Maybe...too much. I confessed many things about my past to her. But we were all like that. Each person knew something extremely crucial about someone else, and no one said a thing.  
  
I can't even begin to imagine what people told Spike.  
  
Everyone seemed to trust that fool, except for me. He may have been one of my best friends, but that didn't mean I believed everything he said to me, or that he would never betray me.  
  
I think Edward had some kinda crush on him, though.  
  
We were all hopeless, as far as I could tell. We were a group of outcasts who had nothing better to do than to catch people for woolongs to buy food. We'd all be dead if we weren't with each other, though. I know that for a fact.  
  
Actually, Ed would be out, hacking for some major corporation; Spike would be hunting for Julia, still; Faye...Faye would be in a lot of trouble, bothering people as always, and most likely convert back to her gambling addiction. I'd go back to the ISSP, hold a job, and retire the day before I died.  
  
That's just the way I am. I'd go back to the job that just about killed me.  
  
I looked at my arm again.  
  
Whether or not I'd get that thing fixed up, I was undecided... 


	4. Edward: Fetch

Description: Part Four of Four. Takes place during the ending of 'Hard Luck Woman.' Lyrics for each character are given. Probably the first story I've posted all at once.  
  
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.  
  
"Graffiti decorations... Under a sky of dust... A constant wave of tension... On top of broken trust... The lessons that you taught me... I learn were never true... Now I find myself in question... They point the finger at me again... Guilty by association... You point the finger at me again... I wanna run away... Never say goodbye... I wanna know the truth... Instead of wondering why... I wanna know the answers... No more lies... I wanna shut the door... And open up my mind... Paper bags and angry voices... Under a sky of dust... Another wave of tension... Has more than filled me up... All my talk of taking action... These words were never true... Now I find myself in question... They point the finger at me again... Guilty by association... You point the finger at me again... I wanna run away... Never say goodbye... I wanna know the truth... Instead of wondering why... I wanna know the answers... No more lies... I wanna shut the door... And open up my mind... I'm gonna run away and never say goodbye... Gonna run away, gonna run away... I'm gonna run away and never wonder why... Gonna run away, gonna run away... I'm gonna run away and open my mind... Gonna run away, gonna run away... I wanna run away... Never say goodbye... I wanna know the truth... Instead of wondering why... I wanna know the answers... No more lies... I wanna shut the door... And open up my mind... I wanna run away... And open up my mind... I wanna run away... And open up my mind... I wanna run away... And open up my mind... I wanna run away... And open up my mind..."  
  
Hard Luck Woman - Edward: Fetch  
  
  
  
"Running off to father-person,  
Leaving Bebop behind.  
Walking along in this hot heat,  
With my pet dog Ein!"  
  
Ein would bark whenever I sang that, running along the rocks with eggs on my head. I had a few other songs I'd roll off my tounge from time to time, just to keep it fun, and he was always a part of them on my way to see my real dad. Or if I could. Didn't Jet say something about him being a traveller?  
  
Of course, I could've always tracked him. The only thing that could work without an outlet, though, was Spike's laptop, which was shoved in my backpack. I could picture him storming around, kicking things, screaming something like, "Goddammit, she just had to steal that when she went, didn't she?!" He'd probably be even worse when he figured out I took a fifth of their vault with me, too.  
  
This looked a lot like the place in Faye-Faye's video, and I spent awhile thinking about what would happen if I never did find my dad. I would've been lost. Bebop never stayed in one place for too long. Even if I went back then, they'd be long gone.  
  
But, believe me, I'd thought many times of turning around and running back to what I called home for a long time. I loved all those guys on that ship, even Spike. Jet and I did tons of things together. I bothered Spike tons. And Faye confided everything in me that she never trusted anyone else with.  
  
Even her deep, dark secrets...  
  
'Edward' was a name that sent winces through Spike, Jet, and Faye. Yes, I know I was a huge pain in the neck to them, but they always had a flicker of happiness in their eyes when they saw me bounding toward them, whether with a new bounty, good news, or just a huge, mocking smile. I was there to cheer them up, make them all feel like it was actually worth something to go out and pull these criminals off the streets.  
  
And now, I wondered why I was going to my dad. I loved Bebop. I barely knew my dad. Bebop had fed me, taken me in, and made me a part of the family. My dad didn't know if I was his son or daughter, and had run off to go make maps of Earth or something.  
  
I tossed an egg to Ein and belted out our song again.  
  
Ein. Man's best friend enhanced, I say. Always tagged along with me, wherever I went, and this was proof to me. Ein was possibly following me to nothing, but he kept on trudging behind me, curling on my feet when we'd take a break, and almost smiling whenever I talked to him.  
  
I felt close to depressed for taking him away from Jet and Spike, but he did follow me on his own.  
  
Speaking of those two. I wondered if they'd found my message in paint yet. The big red 'Bye Bye' with a smiling face under it on their deck. Maybe they'd leave it there, make it feel like I'd be back anytime. And maybe I would come back to see them with my dad. I bet he's the one who taught me to be the radical hacker I was. He'd be able to track them down, I assumed.  
  
I hoped.  
  
I had my secrets, too. Like when we went to rescue Faye from Scratch, when I'd called Jet 'Papa', it all seemed right to me. Nothing out of place or making me want to giggle. It felt...normal. This, I was sure, would feel odd. I used to correct myself when I thought of Jet as my dad, but then I stopped and let it sink in. And Spike, my lunkhead brother. And Faye...well, either my "girlfriend" or sister, but she meant the most to me.  
  
And I must've meant a lot to her, too. I have strong doubts she would've told just anyone about her feelings for Spike.  
  
I figured out a long time ago that I could blackmail them tenfold if I wanted to. Spike...he talked to me a few times about things bothering him. Faye, hunger, me, Faye again, and such. He cared about Faye a lot. He never said what she said to me about him, but I would see it in his posture when we hit the subject. He'd sit up straight, look off into space, and give a little smile, then start to talk in one of those reminiscing voices.  
  
Half the reason for me saying they'd look good together was because I wanted them to have each other. Faye openly admitted her feelings, while Spike dropped hints like bombs at me.  
  
I noticed, when we first watched the Beta of Faye, her reflection sag when she'd, fifty years ago, told herself there could be someone wonderful next to her. * She'd looked so sad, and then tried to sneak a look at Spike. She was sad; she had no one to rely on but herself, so she had to make a tape to remind herself about that in the future. It was...depressing.  
  
Ein whined and nipped the back of my foot, so I sat down on a rock and tossed him another egg. He was smart. Knew how to get what he wanted. Lucky for me, he loved eggs.  
  
I wondered how Jet was. He was sure to miss me, I knew, but he would understand I belonged with my dad. Like Faye said. I belonged somewhere, just like everyone else. All I needed to do was go out and find where that 'somewhere' was. And, as far as I knew, being with my dad was where I belonged. Bebop was a secondary, more important family, but we're blood-related.  
  
I looked back toward where I'd been heading from, where the Bebop sat, and smiled a bit. Gave a small salute. I hoped they weren't too miserable without me. I hoped I wouldn't be too miserable without them.  
  
"Come on, Ein. Let's go."  
  
  
  
SEE YOU COWGIRL  
SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE!  
  
( * From a quote coming from the Japanese, English subtitled version of "Session 18: Speak Like A Child" ) 


End file.
